Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Something to meditate on...

I was reading this really interesting article titled "The Four Foundations of Mindfulness" (yes this is the stuff that they give up mountain children to read) and I came across this really interesting argument that I haven't been able to get out of my mind all day. It stated, "So we tend to create waves of emotion which go up and down; In the beginning we create them deliberately, as a game of trying to prove to ourselves that we exist." The article continues to argue that in the end we get stuck in this bittersweet web of emotion (that is more of a hassle then a pleasure) where we are constantly trying to challenge ourselves more then we originally intended. As weird as this sounds, I haven't been able to get that out of my head all day. Is it true? Do I do that? I've approached it from every angle that I can come up with...trying desperately to prove it wrong, because if it's wrong then it's ok that I get passionate about little things, or sad about insignificant events.
Each time that I've attempted to dismantle it though I've come to the same conclusion. That is so true. Damnit! How do I know that I exist? How do I seperate myself from others? It is because I alone feel my pain; I alone feel my sadness. I know that I am a separate identity from the person sitting to my right because she cannot experience the exact same emotion that I am experiencing... and even if she could we would never be able to verify that. I need to feel emotion to know that I am alive. But why is that? Is there another way to exist? I know that Buddhism tries to teach one to separate themselves from ego... and reach this level of nonexistence as oppose to ultimate existence. All that I can think about is what happens to the body if that actually occurs. What does that feel like? Can I nonexist? I'm even stating the question in that way makes it impossible, but this stuff that I am trying to understand is so beyond ME that I can't even comprehend it. Do I even want to stop existing? If there is no me, and therefore no suffering, will there also cease to be extreme pleasure as well? All these questions...too few answers...


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